you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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