I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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