Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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