If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
