She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
