You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
