Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
