i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
