I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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