im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
