Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
