i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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