My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
