i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
