He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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