Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
