why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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