I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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