He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
