eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
