I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
