dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
