She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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