your thong is hanging out like whoa
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
