U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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