They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
