I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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