Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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