found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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