This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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