the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I smell like Dick and happiness
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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