He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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