Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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