I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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