I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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