there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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