What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
