We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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