just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
