Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
