you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
