Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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