life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
