I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
