I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
