my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
