I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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