i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
