this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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