i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize