It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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