You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
