The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
