Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
