ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
