I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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