Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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