Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We need to feng shui this bitch.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
