Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
