She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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