Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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